Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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