Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
