...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
