that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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