u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
