Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
