ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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