i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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