The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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