What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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