we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
