I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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