Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
