Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
