to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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