after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
