I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
