I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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