Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's shark week go big or go home
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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