she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
