Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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