i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Everyone says I win the strip club
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
