If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
