I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
