im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
