I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
