Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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