So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
