I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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