we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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