The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
