went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize