You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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