My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
