I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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