For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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