Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
