if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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