**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
