When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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