your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
