bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
