Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
