You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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