I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
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I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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