I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
