saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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