drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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