Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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