dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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