HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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