i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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