Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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