I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Panties = found
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
