So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
