I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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