I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
