you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's never too late to be topless.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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