I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
