Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
