maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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