he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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