I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
