textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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