Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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